No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
