I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
