Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
