my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
