i may or may not be watching the land before time
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
