home. puking in laundry basket.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
