I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize