it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
