Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
