Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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