I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
