I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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