Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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