Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
