I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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