; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
