apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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