I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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