If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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