i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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