This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
