i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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