I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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