Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
