we're blogging at a bar
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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