You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize