i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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