it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
