she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
