WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
