Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The uberlube is also flammable
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
