my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
