I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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