i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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