You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
