just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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