we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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