i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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