Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
