Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
