Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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