did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
