hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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