What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
