Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
