I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
