if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
