I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I deserve this hangover.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
