My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
