Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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