She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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