Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
