He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
