i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
