I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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