How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
