I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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