I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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