That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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