My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
